Introductory Irony

MagicSponge123: [on the TV] Hello, and welcome to my new show, ESB Land! Here two teams participa- wait who's this?

Tronyboy: Hello. I have come to participate in your show.

MagicSponge123: How did you get here so quick?

Tronyboy: I was watching your show in the future and time travelled so I could take part in it.

MagicSponge123: Ok then. Uh, just go enjoy the spa while I prepare the five-star hotel. Anyway, as I was saying, two teams take part in various challenges. The losing team for a challenge has to vote someone off their team and they have to leave the island. The last person remaining wins one million dollars! You have until tomorrow to take part. See ya! Oh, and one more thing, to apply, you have to head to esbland.com. I have some hotel-managing to do so I'll guess I'll just wait until the next person arrives.

[many hours later]

PlanKrab: [gets off a boat] One million dollar-er-ers! This host better be friendly-er-er, or I'm not gonna be happy-er-er.

MagicSponge123: Don't worry, got it all covered. Please enjoy the spa, and just explore the island! The five-star hotel is off limits, that ain't ready until all of the contestants have arrived.

PlanKrab: Wow, this place is fancy-er-er! [goes to explore the island]

MagicSponge123: [checks phone] Hey, the 20th person has applied! Welp guys, applications are closed now! Now we just gotta wait for them to arrive.

[another boat arrives with Mavnol333 and HandsomeLad42]

HandsomeLad42: Magic, you have to help me here! Mavnol's been calling me names all day!

Mavnol333: What's that, HandsomeName42?

HandsomeLad42: See?

Mavnol333: [in the confessional] Well, when you've got no GuyBesideYou3 to give names to, HandsomeLad42 is the best replacement.

MagicSponge123: Sure, whatever. Just go venture off, you two.

[at the spa]

Tronyboy: Man, this is just the place to recharge my batteries.

PlanKrab: I know, right? This host is very kind-er-er. I expected a host like Mavnol-er-er.

Tronyboy: Totally agreed-er-er.

Tronyboy: [in the confessional] Man, what's going on with me and that accent? I gotta reprogram myself.

Mavnol333: What's up?

PlanKrab: Oh, just a refreshing time at the spa-er-er.

HandsomeLad42: A spa! Wow, I haven't been at one for years!

Mavnol333: Good for you, SpaLad42!

HandsomeLad42: Grrr!

[back at the waiting area]

MagicSponge123: The next boat should be arriving any minute now.

[the next boat arrives with :o]



MagicSponge123: What do you mean?



MagicSponge123: :o to you too then. These people are strange.



MagicSponge123: So you can say something other than :o. Anyway, trod along. I have to keep... waiting.

[at the spa]

So, wassup dudes? It's all groovy, innit?

Tronyboy: Yep. Very groovy.

Tronyboy: [in the confessional] Gosh, I hope I don't end up on the same team as this guy. He's really freaking me out!

[at the waiting area]

MagicSponge123: Maybe I should just go to the spa. The next boat isn't expected to be here for a few hours. [goes to the spa]

HandsomeLad42: Hey, whatcha doing here, Magic? Aren't you supposed to be waiting for something?

Mavnol333: Yeah, Golden should be here by now. By the way, WaitingLad42, I'm soaked! Do you think we should go somewhere else?

MagicSponge123: Wait, uh, Golden? Golden! I forgot Golden! He was supposed to be here 13 minutes ago! [runs to the waiting area] Oh never mind, I'll just put up a sign. [puts up a sign with everything he normally says to people once they arrive] There. Now I don't have to greet anyone. Now time for the spa- oh yeah I've got some hotel managing to do. [sighs]

[at the hotel]

GoldenSpongebob: This hotel is absolutely golden! Where's the host, though? Eh, never mind, I'll just head to my room. [looks for a room key]

MagicSponge123: [enters the hotel] What the? Someone trashed my entire closet of SpongeBob DVDs! Someone's stolen my hidden room key! [heads to his room] Someone's sleeping in my bed!

GoldenSpongebob: [wakes up] Oh, I think I dozed off... Wha? Who are you?

MagicSponge123: What are you doing in my bed?

GoldenSpongebob: Oh, this is your bed? I'm so sorry, random guy, I didn't know!

MagicSponge123: "Random guy"? Don't pretend you don't know who I am, you even trashed my closet of SpongeBob DVDs.

GoldenSpongebob: Oh, that. I was just looking for a room key.

MagicSponge123: And the one you found was my hidden one?

GoldenSpongebob: I guess so. It was right out in the open though, on the desk.

MagicSponge123: Great, I forgot to put it back in its spot... now please leave the hotel, you're not allowed here.

GoldenSpongebob: Ok then, whoever you are.

MagicSponge123:

[at the spa]

GoldenSpongebob: Do you know who that guy was who kicked me out of that hotel? He didn't seem very friendly...



PlanKrab: And you're not supposed to enter the hotel until everyone's here-er-er!

GoldenSpongebob: Oh...

Tronyboy: Tell me what it was like at the hotel.

GoldenSpongebob: Oh, it was the best one ever! The beds were so comfy, the elevators were so convenient... my only complaint is that mean food service guy.

PlanKrab: You mean Magic-er-er.

GoldenSpongebob: Yeah, whatever. I'll just enjoy this spa while I can.

[at the benches]

Mavnol333: You know, I don't really trust Magic. Sure, this is luxury, but why waste so much money on it? I say we figure out what he's up to!

HandsomeLad42: Yeah!

Mavnol333: Let's go stop him!

HandsomeLad42: Yeah!

Mavnol333: Come on!

HandsomeLad42: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Mavnol333: You know I already stopped?

HandsomeLad42: Oh, you were saying so many things I thought you'd keep it going forever!

Mavnol333: Well I didn't, YeahLad42.

HandsomeLad42: [in the confessional] This is worse than being his intern, honestly!

[at the hotel]

MagicSponge123: Finally, everything is cleaned up! Now I need to get that spa time I deserve! [dashes to the spa] Alright guys, VIP coming through!

Ya callin' yourself a VIP just 'cos you're the host? That's pretty tacky even for you.

MagicSponge123: Hey, you CAN say things!

:o

Tronyboy: So that's what you meant by "Got 'em!" Now, what's up with that "cool" accent? Honestly, it's really scary.

MagicSponge123: The next boat should be here now. I'll just go greet the passengers because I have time. [walking to the waiting area] Wait, what am I doing? [stops walking] I still haven't had ANY spa time, and besides I put that sign up. Don't need to greet them at all. [walks back and trips on a pen] Ouch! Huh?

Idroppedmypen: Whoops, I dropped my pen!

MagicSponge123: Did you drop that on purpose?

Idroppedmypen: No. Sorry, I'm a bit clumsy. [picks up her pen] Great, you broke my pen!

MagicSponge123: Oh, boo-hoo.

Idroppedmypen: Thankfully I've got a spare one! [takes another pen out of her pocket]

MagicSponge123: Too bad, I'm gonna have to confiscate that. [takes her pen] You know, to prevent any more accidents.

Idroppedmypen: You can have that pen, I've still got [takes another pen out] this one.

MagicSponge123: [takes the pen] Then I'll take that one as well!

Idroppedmypen: Who cares, I've got 997 more pens left.

[997 pens later]

MagicSponge123: There we go, all of your pens gone.

Idroppedmypen: [in the confessional] Ha, little does he know I've still got my prized pen, the original pen, the Pen Pen!

MagicSponge123: Anyway, uh, please do not trust the sign. The spa is that way. [points somewhere completely different from the spa]

Idroppedmypen: Huh, I wonder why that sign is incorrect.

MagicSponge123: I... used the wrong pen.

Idroppedmypen: Completely relatable. That way it is! [runs there]

MagicSponge123: And there she goes, running off. I fooled her good. [checks watch] Goodness, it's almost lunchtime! I gotta get something for me to eat! How about a... Krabby Patty! Hmm, they should be at the hotel.

[at the hotel]

MagicSponge123: Ahh, a Krabby Patty. Now for a relaxing place to eat... I know! The benches are a perfect place! [heads to the benches]

HandsomeLad42: Hey, it's Magic! Let's have a bit of fun with him.

Mavnol333: Got it, FunLad42.

[Magic tries to sit on a bench but Mavnol quickly takes it]

MagicSponge123: Hey!

Mavnol333: This is my spot, go somewhere else!

[Magic goes to another bench but HandsomeLad42 takes it]

MagicSponge123: What are you doing? I'm trying to have lunch here!

HandsomeLad42: Too bad, the benches are occupied. What's that you're eating anyway?

MagicSponge123: A Krabby Patty. Sto- I mean ordered straight from the source! Fine, if I can't eat here I'll eat at the waiting area. [walks to the waiting area] Oh look, a boat has just arrived. I'll just ignore whoever comes out. [a rat gobbles up his patty] What the? Hey, that was mine!

Cmcgrath26: Sorry, my rat is just so hungry all the time! She's a lively one, you know.

MagicSponge123: Ugh. What's her name, anyway?

Cmcgrath26: Unnamed Rat.

MagicSponge123: She's an unnamed rat?

Cmcgrath26: Yes.

MagicSponge123: Why didn't you give her a name?

Cmcgrath26: I did.

MagicSponge123: But you just said? Oh, whatever. Just keep your rat off the contestants!

Cmcgrath26: I'll try.

MagicSponge123: These people, honestly. The next one might try to steal me out of some cash!

CartoonGuy: [gets off the boat] Sorry 'bout that, had a situation with the people back there.

MagicSponge123: Woah there! You didn't pay the application fee on the website, and you promised you'd pay it in cold hard cash. So pay up!

CartoonGuy: Not so fast! I get the senior discount!

MagicSponge123: But you're not even a senior.

CartoonGuy: Talk to these guys about it. [points to a group of elderly people, who proceed to beat Magic up]

MagicSponge123: Ok, ok! You get the senior discount.

CartoonGuy: Woo! Come on elders, party at the spa!

MagicSponge123: But anyone older than 60 can't use the spa, and besides you can't bring anyone with you to the island.

CartoonGuy: Who are the elders here?

MagicSponge123: Fine.

[CartoonGuy and the seniors run off]

MagicSponge123: I gotta find a way to get rid of those seniors, one way or another!

[at the spa]

CartoonGuy: Hey, mind if we take a dip?



PlanKrab: Yeah, who'd want to share the spa with those disgusting elder-er-ers.

Elders: How dare you call us disgusting! [they beat PlanKrab up]

Cmcgrath26: Hey, you seniors! I know the perfect place for you to just chillax.

Elders: Where?

Cmcgrath26: Follow me!

Cmcgrath26: [in the confessional] Heh, I'll lead these old people somewhere they won't forget!

Tronyboy: Thanks Cmc!

Cmcgrath26: You're welcome!

[at the waiting area]

MagicSponge123: There's no way I'll go to the spa with those elderly people around, so I guess all I can do is sit here.

[another boat arrives]

Doctor Patrick: Hmm, nice environment, could use some Season 5 DVDs. Hey, what's up?

MagicSponge123: Oh, don't worry, I've got a Season 5 DVD.

Doctor Patrick: Where? Gimme, gimme!

MagicSponge123: Sorry, it's my DVD, and I'm not telling you where I keep it either.

Doctor Patrick: Aw man...

MagicSponge123: Lemme make it up for you! Follow me and I'll give you a tour of the island!

Doctor Patrick: Sweet!

MagicSponge123: So coming up is the- Doc? Where are you? [looks around] Oh, there you are! Come on, hold my hand so you won't get lost again.

Doctor Patrick: Don't touch me, I'm sterile!

MagicSponge123: Ok then, no tour for you then.

Doctor Patrick: Oh, it doesn't matter. I've got a map! [takes out a map]

MagicSponge123: Wait, how did you get that? Those are kept in the hotel.

Doctor Patrick: Golden gave me one.

MagicSponge123: Oh, him. Speaking of him, I haven't seen him since the hotel incident. I wonder where he is?

[at the hotel]

GoldenSpongebob: This time, I'm prepared. If that food service guy comes, I'll hide!

[back with Magic]

MagicSponge123: Eh, probably went off to explore some more. Anyway, I think someone else has just arrived.

S3: Hi.

MagicSponge123: Yep, I was correct.

S3: I like Season 3.

MagicSponge123: Season 3 is overrated.

S3: DKKxi88JU8jnmU8njJKI8IUJygtfjlkkiy43DFCGHJKOiHHHGjhjgJhjhJLK

MagicSponge123: Ok...

[two more people get out of the boat]

Людмила Михайловна: Привет, магия! Я слышал, что здесь есть пятизвездочный отель, верно?

MagicSponge123: This is an English show.

Britney: Yeah, you're gonna have to deal with that. Just use a translator or something. That's what I learned on the way here!

S3: He's a pretty big pain, I gotta say!

Людмила Михайловна: [in the confessional] Назовите меня большой болью, а? Вы не знаете, с чем мне пришлось столкнуться по дороге сюда! Он все время говорил о том, что третий сезон - лучший сезон, и бла-бла-бла.

Britney: Hello, Magic! I heard there's a five-star hotel here, right?

MagicSponge123: Yup.

Людмила Михайловна: Тьфу.

[at the forest]

Cmcgrath26: We're nearly there, elders, just keep following me.

Cmcgrath26: [in the confessional] It is getting tiring, but boy is it worth it to leave those seniors stranded in the middle of the woods.

Cmcgrath26: We're here! [quickly runs away]

Elders: Huh? Wha?

Cmcgrath26: There we go. Now, how do I get out? [bumps into Pen]

Idroppedmypen: Hey, watch it! You nearly made me drop my pen!

Cmcgrath26: Pen? What are you doing here?

Idroppedmypen: I was directed to the spa, but I couldn't find it and ended up getting lost here.

Cmcgrath26: I could show you the spa if we find a way out of here. Unnamed Rat's getting scared.

Idroppedmypen: Ooh, I know how! Meet Pen Pen! [takes Pen Pen out]

Cmcgrath26: Pen Pen?

Idroppedmypen: Yes, Pen Pen. Just press a button and it points wherever you want it to!

Cmcgrath26: Why didn't you use it earlier?

Idroppedmypen: Because I didn't think of using it.

Cmcgrath26: Ooh, lemme try! [snatches Pen Pen from Pen]

Idroppedmypen: Be careful! There are multiple butt-

[Cmc presses the wrong button]

Cmcgrath26: To the spa!

[Pen Pen starts to draw a spa]

Idroppedmypen: See what you did? Now Pen Pen is drawing a spa!

Idroppedmypen: [in the confessional] This could take a while.

[at the waiting area]

MagicSponge123: And another boat. Prepare for more people in 3... 2... 1...

GuyBesideYou3: Hello!

MagicSponge123: Hey, I didn't even see you get off the boat!

GuyBesideYou3: I was beside you.

MagicSponge123: Anyway, I think you'd like the benches. [points to the benches]

GuyBesideYou3: Great! [heads to the benches]

Mavnol333: Hey, look who's here!

GuyBesideYou3: Great.

HandsomeLad42: Hey, at least that means you'll stop giving me nicknames!

Mavnol333: Oh, that's not true, JumpingToConclusionsLad42. That's not true at all.

HandsomeLad42: [in the confessional] Oh no.

[at the waiting area] MagicSponge123: Hmm, the boat still hasn't left. That's strange.

Undie: [running off the boat, panting] Sorry, me and ButtFetishHReturns were having a bit of an argument back there.

MagicSponge123: Undie? ButtFetishHReturns? What is up with these names...

ButtFetishHReturns: Oh who cares lol my poop is big and yours small XD

MagicSponge123: Uh, what?

ButtFetishHReturns: Hey Carl, what's your favourite booty scene? Bubble Bass squishing Plankton with his giant buttocks in "F.U.N." is by far my favourite booty scene.

MagicSponge123: Who's Carl?

CarlTheManager: I'm Carl.

MagicSponge123: Uh, you're not allowed here and besides you've already cameoed in a certain other show.

Undie: Please ignore them.

MagicSponge123: Yeah, I think I'll do that.

[one hour later]

ExcitedGreenPig6: [gets off a boat] Oh my gosh, if I win, I'll get a million clams! I am so excited!

ItzSpongeBob 1999: Who cares about the million dollars? It's SpongeBob we're talking about!

ExcitedGreenPig6: Why did you come here then? Oh, hey Magic!

MagicSponge123: Oh, hi! Didn't see you there. I'm getting so tired, just sitting here doing nothing.

ItzSpongeBob 1999: Why don't you do something then?

MagicSponge123: I would, but the problem is I want to go the spa, but I can't when it's invaded with elderly people.

ItzSpongeBob 1999: Oh, just a couple of seniors? In that case, I can get rid of them!

MagicSponge123: Really?

ItzSpongeBob 1999: Yup! Uh, where's the spa?

MagicSponge123: [points to the spa]

ItzSpongeBob 1999: Of course. [heads to the spa] Alright, seniors! Prepare for some- huh. Where are they?



PlanKrab: He's saying Cmc's getting rid of them-er-er. Speaking of him, I wonder where he is? It's been a while-er-er.

ItzSpongeBob 1999: [runs back to the waiting area]

Tronyboy: Huh. Didn't he want a dip in the spa?

ItzSpongeBob 1999: Magic, good news! The elders are gone!

MagicSponge123: Nice!

ExcitedGreenPig6: Yeah, very nice!

MagicSponge123: Wait, you're still here? Huh.

ExcitedGreenPig6: Yeah. I like to greet anyone who comes.

MagicSponge123: Well you've got two people left to greet, so go ahead.

ExcitedGreenPig: Hey, here they come now!

[Louis219 gets off the boat]

MagicSponge123: Nope, only one of them.

[SpongeFan199 gets off the boat]

ExcitedGreenPig6: Nope, both of them. Anyway, welcome to the island! How do you do?

Louis219: I'm doing just fine, thanks for asking. Hey, are you the host?

ExcitedGreenPig6: Nope, Magic is.

Louis219: [in the confessional] Huh. I could swear he was the host.

SpongeFan199: Hello everyone!

ItzSpongeBob 1999: Hey, are you an impostor of me?

SpongeFan199: No.

MagicSponge123: That's everyone! Now to get everyone to the hotel. Louis219, ExcitedGreenPig6, ItzSpongeBob 1999, and SpongeFan199, follow me. Now, I know most of them are at the spa. [heads to the spa] Hey everyone, all of the contestants have arrived! Please exit the spa and follow me to the hotel. Hmm, who's left... ah, Mavnol, HandsomeLad42 and GuyBesideYou3 are at the benches. [heads to the benches] Come on, you three, follow me. I think that's everyone. [heads to the hotel]

GoldenSpongebob: He's coming! Hide! [hides in a closet]

MagicSponge123: [enters the hotel] Now, to announce the teams. The two teams will be known as the Fearless Fighters and the Strategic Soldiers. Mavnol333, :o, Britney, HandsomeLad42, PlanKrab, S3, ExcitedGreenPig6, Louis219, Doctor Patrick, and ItzSpongeBob 1999 are on the Fearless Fighters. GoldenSpongebob, ButtFetish- wait a minute where's GoldenSpongebob? [counts them all] Only 17 people? So GoldenSpongebob is missing, but who are the other two missing contestants?

Tronyboy: Cmc is one of them-er-er, I mean one of them.

MagicSponge123: Ok. Any idea on who the remaining one is? Nobody? [thinks] Pen! I left her somewhere who knows where! Well, I guess we're just gonna have to find the three missing contestants.

GoldenSpongebob: [steps out from the closet] Here's one of them. Sorry, I couldn't help but explore the hotel after that food service guy kicked me out.

MagicSponge123: Food service guy? Ugh, whatever. Just help me find Cmc and Pen. [steps outside]

[Cmc and Pen launch out of the woods with Pen Pen acting as a rocket]

Idroppedmypen: Why did you set Pen Pen to rocket mode?

Cmcgrath26: I don't know, but it's getting us out of the forest! Hey, I see Magic and all the other contestants!

[they bump into Magic]

MagicSponge123: Ouch! [turns around to see Cmc and Pen sitting on him] Hey, it's you two! But why are you sitting on me?

Cmcgrath26: Sorry, I was messing around with Pen's pen and I guess I... activated rocket mode.

MagicSponge123: What? I thought I confiscated all her pens!

Idroppedmypen: That's what you thought! I can make this special pen disappear in an instant! [presses a button on Pen Pen making it disappear]

MagicSponge123: Oh, never mind! Just get off me and leave me to roll the credits! I'll announce the teams tomorrow.

[credits play]